No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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