That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
