I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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