He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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