he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
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I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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