On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
