Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
