my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
