I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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