I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't deserve a penis
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
