matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
