I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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