A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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