I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
