my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
