How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
