Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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