he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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