You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
