I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
