i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
