I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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