So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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