Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
These tits shall not be calmed
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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