Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
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I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
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Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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