Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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