A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize