I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
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The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
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But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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