still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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