The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
