his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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