Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
