I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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