My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
