I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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