You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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