So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
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she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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