By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
