I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just found puke in my bra..
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
