the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
