Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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