How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
