If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
