Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
