He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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