I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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