You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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