I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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