i just wanna soil my oats bro
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Randomize
