my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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