dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
