i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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