If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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