you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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