I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i've created a new STD.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
