I wish I only lived at night.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
